Showing up Late Takes Good Timing - Holiday Ground Rules
By: Judy Magid
Santa Claus is called many things - St. Nicholas, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, P re Noel and Babbo Natale - but never, "fashionably late."
Food for thought in this season of party invitations, family get-togethers and performances of "The Nutcracker," "Beauty and the Beast" and "Babes in Toyland," where pleasure can be lost in the inner debate between innate good manners and intense distaste of being the first to arrive at a social event.
No worries. Ground rules are simple.
In the ceremonies of life, including weddings, funerals, formal dinners, and events where you are host or guest of honor, one should never be late.
That answer is from no less an expert than Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, when a bride-to-be asked if it would be proper to appear "fashionably late" at a bridal shower in her honor.
"Gentle Reader, there is no such thing as you will realize if your bridegroom is not waiting at the altar when you get there," Martin wrote in a 2004 newspaper column.
Harsh. Especially when most of us would just like to know when it is permissible to be late and how much lateness is permissible.
While Martin states that etiquette requires punctuality for a dinner party where guests are expected to be seated within 15 minutes of arrival, she is more lenient about cocktail parties, where time of arrival "tends to be more loose."
Still, guests should not get giddy with freedom. While no one wants to be the first person at a party, standing around with no one to talk to but a busy host, coming really late also can put you in the spotlight.
Consider an hour into a cocktail buffet, people are chatting, the inviting aroma of the dinner buffet is beginning to waft through the house and . . . the front door opens with a blast of cold air.
Fashionably late means no more than 30 minutes past the indicated time, according to etiquette experts. If the invitation reads "from 6 to 9 p.m.," it means you may arrive any time between 6 and 9 p.m. It does not mean you have to stay from 6 to 9 p.m., nor does it mean that you can come at 9 p.m. and stay all night. (If you're arriving at the end, stay no more than 30 minutes.)
Attending public performances - there are people who love the theater and never come late - is another debate.
Think about it. You settle in your theater seat. Lights dim. The overture begins, the curtain slowly rises and as you lose yourself in make-believe . . . someone steps on your foot.
Performing arts groups in Utah set their own rules, but generally put some limits on late-seatings.
At the Capitol Theatre, for example, latecomers can find seating in the back of the theater and there is a small space to stand, said Holly Heyborne, patron services manager for Salt Lake County venues. If there is no room, people are shown to the Directors Room until intermission.
Do latecomers ever try to talk their way into getting their regular seats?
"We offer empathy, not sympathy. 'We know how you feel' but 'You will have to wait.' Interrupting the magic of a performance for someone else is rude."
Most people would agree. But why, then, are people late? And why are some people "always" late?
Salt Lake City psychologist Diane Hill consulted her colleagues Eric Hanson and Cheryl Jensen about the subject.
"In general, being late to weddings, funerals, places where you are expected to be on time, is a sign of disrespect," Hill said, adding that there are times when "fashionably late" is acceptable. Within limits.
"I said that if a party [not dinner] starts at 7 p.m., people should be there by 7:15. Eric [Hanson] thought 30 minutes late was fine, but added that his wife, Sue, would want to be there at 7 p.m."
The psychologists suggested possible reasons that some people never seem to be on time.
"First is the overscheduler. This is a person with unreal expectation or estimate of how long things take. He or she truly believes that he can be someplace in 10 minutes, when it really takes 20 minutes, and make a stop at the cleaners, too," Hill said.
A disorganized person has trouble being on time for anything.
"People function on different levels," she said, acknowledging that a disorganized person can make life difficult for others as well as him or herself.
And then there is the person with narcissistic traits.
"The world revolves around them. Being on time or being late doesn't affect them," Hill said.
And what about people who always are on time?
"That can indicate innate good manners," she said, "or perhaps anxiety about being on time."
Being on time
There are advantages to being reasonably on time to an informal social event:
* The drinks will be plentiful, the buffet will be fresh.
* You will get to chat with your hosts.
* You will seem like an intimate friend of the hosts as you greet other guests.
* You can leave early and look like you are en route to another party.
If you're late
* If you are a guest and are running late, call your host.
* If you are the host and guests call to say they will be late, say you will keep dinner for them, and feed your other guests on time.
